Portal Jockey
by Kiba Wolf
Summary: Midna was tired, Link was in a rush, and they just doubled their troubles because of it. As if an insane Twili and rogue Gerudo weren't bad enough. Rated K  for awkward situations, a Humor/Romance bit about everyone's favroite thing: body switching!
1. Part 1

_Portal Jockey_

It all started in the Cave of Ordeals. We had decided to go down there after escaping the city in the air that belonged to the Oocca, in order to further my training and truly prepare myself for the upcoming battle. Actually that wasn't totally true. It was _my _idea, but Midna hated it, arguing the point the entire ride out there. It was dark and claustrophobic, we had to go kill Zant, on and on. Eventually I had to ask if all she ever did was whine, which shut her up pretty quickly, although I knew I'd probably be in boiling water for it any other time.

See, she was really exhausted after our run through the city in the sky. Maybe because the journey had been so long by that point, or maybe the sudden shift in altitudes just didn't agree with her. Whatever the reason, I knew I'd have to rely on myself throughout the Cave of Ordeals. It would give her a chance to rest, and me a chance to hone my skills. She would thank me in the long run.

Or so I thought. We were on level forty-two when it happened.

"Uh, Midna?" I asked, already preparing myself for the sharp rebuttal.

"What?" she asked, voice drained of all but one emotion: a seething hatred that rested just below the surface, ready to burst at even the slightest disturbance.

"I'm, uh, out of arrows," I said, flinching internally. _Please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't—!_

"So?" she asked flatly.

"So… warp me out?" I asked, wondering what was up with the slow service.

"Fine."

"Are you mad?"

"No."

"You are so."

"Am not."

"Are so—!"

"Do you want me to warp you out or not?" she snapped.

"Yes please," I answered, gulping nervously.

She transformed me and used her magic to break us into particles and take us out of the cave. It was really a pretty cool process to witness. Not to mention it made travel much easier. And as an added bonus it hasn't led us astray yet, unlike most everything else (I mean I got one clawshot already, but apparently I would need two, which really makes the struggle for the first one seem significantly less… worthwhile. I mean, come on. Do they just openly sell these things or something?)

We touched down on the outskirts of Kakariko Village and I stretched, hearing my spine pop in response. "Midna change me back so I can go buy those stupid arrows and we can get back to business as usual."

Silence.

"Midna?" I turned to my left, and to my surprise, found myself face to face with... me. "Eh?" I gasped, wide eyed. Was I looking in a mirror and not realizing it?

"Link, you're the most impatient, ungrateful—!" I heard my own voice echoing in my head suddenly cut off in surprise. The wolf that looked like me—exactly like me—looked at me in pure confusion.

"Midna?" I asked again, my voice squeaking unnaturally high. "Please tell me we're both looking in mirrors right now for some bizarre reason."

"...Oh my Farore."

"Midna..."

My voice splintered through my head at a sound level high enough to burst most eardrums. Dear Farore, what have we gotten ourselves into this time?

"Midna, please you need to calm down," I pleaded with the still-screaming imp.

Her scream finally cut off, probably due to lack of breath. "Oh my gods this is not happening," she muttered. I looked down at "my" hands, and then back at the wolf that looked like me. I think it was safe to assume at this point it was in fact happening.

"What happened?" I demanded, feeling my barely withheld shock start to flood forth. "How did you manage this?"

"Hey don't blame me, Mr. Warp-Me-Everywhere. Why don't you ride your stinking horse for once?" she snapped in reply.

"Because warping is a lot quicker, not to mention way easier!" I barked back. "Or at least it is most of the time!"

"For who?" she demanded. "Oh sure it's easy for you, but did you ever stop for a minute to think how much work it is for me?"

I fell silent, biting back the urge to continue the argument—this was no place for that, and she had a point. When did I ever thank her for warping us half way across the known continent? I don't think it had even occurred to me to say it.

"Okay, let's just calm down a minute," I said, using a gentle tone that I hoped would calm her down a bit. "Let's just think a minute."

"Think?" she yelled, sounding more than a little hysterical. "What's there to think about? You're in my body!"

I winced at this. Okay, so I really hadn't gone crazy. "How did this happen exactly?"

I could see my wolf-self trembling with… rage? Or was it fear? "I don't know! I guess I-I transferred the particles incorrectly."

"Has this ever happened to you before?" I asked, trying to back-track until we found a solution.

"No of course not! But I've never warped anyone but myself prior to meeting you," she confessed, my wolf-self breaking into a nervous kind of wolfish grin.

"Wait you've never done this before? How did you know you could do it at all?" I demanded, suddenly feeling very lucky to be alive this long.

"Well there was a slight risk, but nothing serious," she explained sheepishly. A wolf seeming sheepish, now I've seen it all. "Hey don't give me that look! I wouldn't have killed off the chosen hero on a whim! I knew it was safe!"

"Right and hitting cuccos is safe too," I muttered. I glanced down towards my feet. Well, Midna's feet. "How do I, uh, not float?" I asked uncertainly, observing my feet hovering in mid-air.

"You just, you know, go down," she said. It sounded so weird to hear her words in my voice.

"How?" I asked in frustration, trying to will myself downwards.

"It's really not that hard, Link," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Easy for you to say—I don't know how to work your body like you do!" I snapped.

"You better not try to work my body, pervert!" she cried angrily.

"Hey, whoa, just what are you getting at?" I demanded, feeling heat crossing my unfamiliar face.

"You know what I'm getting at—don't try anything funny while you're in my body!" she yelled, gritting her teeth in anger. I have to say, I look really ferocious when I growl like that, or maybe it was just Midna's specialty to the point where she made me look good doing it.

"Oh, like I would ever dream of that!" I rebutted. We stood—well, I floated—there for a long moment just glaring at each other, before I spoke up again. "Okay, this isn't helping. First thing's first, we need to get me out of my wolf form. So. How do you do that?"

The wolf—I guess I might as well get used to referring to my body as Midna for now, otherwise this might get confusing—plopped down in the dirt, sighing in defeat. "I don't know how to describe it; I just _do_ _it_; there's nothing complicated about it, but it's impossible to explain."

"That helps," I muttered sarcastically. Maybe that was just a body trait; I couldn't recall ever being so sarcastic before.

A quick look around at least re-assured me that we had made it to our target destination—Kakariko Village—with only the body switching mishap. I guess that was something to be grateful for. I swung my feet helplessly in the air until I finally managed to touch down on the ground. Hu. That wasn't so tough. Maybe Midna was right; this wasn't so difficult after all.

I stumbled over to my body and leaned against my own leg, which was really weird and gave me a headache if I thought about it too much. "Link you have to transform me back," Midna said, yawning sharply. "If I can use your body to communicate, then at least we can get some shelter for the night."

"Yeah I know that, but it's easier said than done," I replied, slumping. "And I don't even know where to begin."

Midna started to whine uneasily, which only caused me to lose focus. She was miserable, and I couldn't do a thing about it. "Link what are we going to do?" she asked, unease plaguing her voice.

My stomach did an odd flip as a protective instinct overcame me. I had to help her—well, help both of us. "It'll be okay," I reassured. "We've been in worse situations than this."

She nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right." We both looked at each other and nodded, standing up and brushing off. I managed to clamber on top of her back and took a tight hold of my own (very soft, if I do say so myself) fur.

"Okay, let's ride!" I commanded, immensely enjoying riding instead of carrying for once. She started to take off, but her legs somehow got tangled up and she fell, getting a nice mouthful of dirt and throwing me several yards in the process.

"Ow," she muttered. "How do you walk with _four_ legs, let alone run?"

I laughed nervously. "It's really not that hard, Midna."

She glared at me with her butt in the air and face still on the ground. This might take a while.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Hello there, hope you enjoyed that bit of fun! And hey, if you did, then feel free to leave a review! Bonus points to anyone who catches the title reference! _


	2. Part 2

_Portal Jockey Part 2_

After struggling for several hours Midna finally had the hang of running in a wolf's body, so the fearless duo made their way to Hyrule Castle, hoping that Zelda would be able to help them.

"Nope," came the unabashed answer.

"What?" howled the formerly fearless duo.

"Just as I said," Zelda answered, sitting down for afternoon tea. "You got yourselves into this mess, so get yourselves out of it."

"Do you not realize that we're the ones who have to save you?" Midna demanded in wolf-yaps. "How are we supposed to do that if we're not in our own bodies?"

"It's not that bad Mid—," Link started to comfort, standing rather awkwardly off to the side.

"Shut up Link," she snapped. "Just shut up!"

Zelda let out a sigh. "Look, you two just have to practice in each other's bodies until either Link learns to teleport or Midna learns how to fight."

"I'll figure it out first," the two answered simultaneously. Zelda rolled her eyes, knowing what would come next.

"You learn to fight?" Link barked a laugh. "You thought a shield was a helmet! You couldn't even move in that body until a few hours ago!"

"Oh, you're one to talk Mr. Can't Fly!" Midna rebutted. "You don't have a prayer of mastering snot before me!"

"Who would want to master snot? That's just gross!"

"It's a figure of speech to keep this game rated T!"

"What does that mean we can't say sh—?"

"Will you two get out?" Zelda snapped, finding her last nerve had been struck. "Go figure out how to save me somewhere else!"

Suddenly footsteps could be heard outside of the door. The fearless duo looked at each other, nodded, and took off out the window, with Link calling back, "Good luck with the being captured thing!" It wasn't until several hours later that both Link and Midna realized that if they had just taken Zelda with them, then they would have significantly less problems.

"Okay, screw the rating," Midna growled, literally. "Goddesses damn it!"

A short while later they found themselves back in Kakariko Village, dusty and downtrodden. They sat at the edge of the spring, where apparently the rest of the village couldn't see them unless they took three steps to the right.

"This is just great," Midna mumbled, shuffling dirt with her paw. "I'll be stuck as a stupid, fleabag for the rest of my life."

"Better than being stuck as an ugly imp for the rest of your life," Link offered in an un-wise attempt to comfort his companion. Wielder of courage, obviously, wisdom not so much.

"Oh so you think I'm ugly, is that it?" Midna snapped, a fire in her eyes as she slowly slunk closer to Link. "You'll pay for that!"

"Wait, wait!" he howled, cowering. "This is _your_ body! If you hurt me you're actually hurting you!" Link's brain hurt at the consideration of that, but decided it was his best bet for safety.

"Seeing as I'll never get my body back, I think I can afford a few scars," she cackled evilly, eyes glinting.

Link stumbled back a step. "M-Midna, let's not be rash!"

His companion totally ignored him, lunging for his throat. Throwing up his hands as a last restort for some safety, he waited for the inevitable impact, but it wasn't the impact he was quite expecting. He opened his eyes to find himself staring into his own _human _eyes.

"Oh my goddess!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I changed you back!"

"Oh yeah?" Midna challenged. "I'll still chew you out!" she then proceeded to use Link's human teeth to gnaw on her imp form.

"Ow! Ow!" Link complained, struggling to get away. "Don't you get it Midna?"

She paused to glare at him. "Get what?"

"We're one step closer to getting our bodies back!" She looked as if she was going to ignore that and continue attacking him, but then thought better of it.

"You're right!" she exclaimed excitedly. "And this means I can get food now!"

"Yeah you can—wait what?" But it was too late, as Midna was already wandering towards the village, nose in the air. Link managed to will himself into a shadow after a few minutes and caught up with her to find her pigging out, no doubt blowing all his rupees.

After she was satisfied they made their way to the spring on top of the inn, Link grumbling about money and Midna looking positively pleased.

"This body sure can hold a ton of food, Link," she declared, patting _his _stomach.

"Whatever," he grumbled. "I just want a hot bath and a comfy bed."

"You're such a little girl," Midna insulted, picking at her teeth.

"And you're so masculine it makes me sick," Link retorted.

"Sissy!"

"Pig!"

"Stuffy, stupid boy!"

"Arrogant witch!"

They butted heads, literally, grinding their teeth in challenge.

"Link!" a child's voice drifted up to them, breaking their argument up—for now. Link quickly disappeared into his own shadow, and Midna turned nervously towards the sound.

"Uhm, hello," she greeted stiffly, as Colin reached her, grinning excitedly.

"Do you have time to play with me?" he asked happily. Link smiled encouragingly, despite the fact that no one could see him and thus no one was paying any attention to him.

"Scram kid," Midna answered instead, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm taking a bath now." Colin looked disappointed, bowing his head, but nodding nonetheless. "That's a good boy. Now go off down that path and get to bed." Midna pointed out aforementioned path, off to their left.

After Colin left, Link came out of the shadow looking concerned. "Midna, isn't that way a dead drop? I didn't think there was a path over there."

"There's not," Midna replied, walking off towards the spring, stripping clothes off as she went.

Link's jaw dropped as he looked in the direction Colin had walked, just as a loud scream sounded. "Oh my gods, did you just kill him _on purpose_?" Link demanded, turning accusingly towards Midna, only to find her nowhere in sight. "Midna?" He drifted towards the spring, Colin forgotten.

He found Midna, relaxing with a satisfied look on her face, deep in the spring. "Hey Link," she greeted, casually waving at him.

"Are you _naked_?" he demanded.

"Well, yeah," she answered, looking at him oddly. "Would you rather me get all your gear wet?"

"Well, no, but," Link started, but Midna interrupted before he could add any more.

"Don't be such a prude Link." She explained, "We've traveled together for a long time now; we can't be embarrassed about little things like this forever."

Link nodded, seeing her point. "Yeah I guess you're right. After all, I get to see you naked all the time!"

Midna's face turned red as she screamed at Link to get out of her sight. He didn't understand why, but left regardless. Sleep was beckoning him, and he was all too happy to oblige. Meanwhile, Midna sunk lower into the spring, face still red.

_How dare he! _she thought angrily. She looked down into the water again, seeing _it _floating down there and her blush returned in full force. She had to get her own body back _now._ Breaking her from her daydreaming, a loud stomping shook the ground. An earthquake?

No. Worse.

Much worse.

A Goron popped up over the peak of the hill. "Brother!" he called. "Allow me to join you!"

Before Midna could make even a sound of protest, the Goron stripped off his loincloth and dashed into the spring.

Her scream could be heard throughout the village.


	3. Part 3

_Portal Jockey Part III_

The next morning, sun shined down on the bed where Midna lay sleeping, birds chirping merrily and all that jazz.

She hissed violently at it all and rolled over in the bed, hoping that the damn bird and sun would be swallowed in a black hole. Then all that anger was suddenly shifted onto a new target as she rolled over to find something—no, worse—someone in her bed.

"Oh my gods!" she screeched, pushing Link out of the bed. "Why were you sleeping with me?"

Link, who had been sleeping, did not awaken until he hit the floor, at which point he jumped up and started to swing a nonexistent sword.

"Back foul beast!" he cried, walking around deliriously.

"Wake up you idiot!" Midna snapped, the previous shock wearing off.

"Oh, right, this again," Link sighed, looking just a little too disappointed. "You know, I finally understand why you're so cranky all the time."

"What?" Midna growled, giving him a warning look.

"Being an imp really sucks," he continued blatantly ignorant of her glare.

"I'm going to stab you right before we trade bodies back," she warned in a deadpan.

"How _are _we going to get our bodies back?" Link wondered, her threat completely ignored.

"We have to recreate the conditions exactly," Midna declared, surprising Link with her early morning logic.

"Wow you thought of that just now? It's actually a good idea," he commented, clearly impressed.

"Oh, hell no," she corrected. "That Goron I took a bath with last night mentioned it."

"Wait what Gor—?"

"Anyways, let's get started," Midna interrupted. "First, we have to make you sleep-deprived, cranky, and careless."

"So basically I have to act just like you?"

"You're really testing it," she growled, walking out of the room. Link stood there dumbfounded.

Testing what?

_Sixteen days later…_

"You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me, you want to hug me, you want to love me, you want to smooch me, you want to hug me," Link sang obnoxiously. Midna, meanwhile, was ready to kill herself. If that stupid Goron was wrong then their species was going to be extinct very, very soon.

"Okay, you being tired is officially completed," she growled, studying her checklist. The next step was to make him angry, and that was the task that had her baffled. She looked away from the paper back to her sleep-deprived companion.

"I'm bringing sexy back!" Link shouted joyously, dancing on the table top. "All them mother fu—!"

"Link!" she called. He stopped singing and floated over to her.

"I hate you and I'm going to leave you after we're done killing Ganon," she deadpanned. Link stared back blankly for a moment.

"So?"

"S-so?" she stuttered. That was her best bet. How could undying love for her not being returned fail to make him miserable? There had to be another solution. "Link, Illia died."

"Oh no!" he gasped, looking shocked. "She was my best friend…" A single tear rolled down his cheek, but this wasn't quite what Midna was aiming for.

She kicked Link in the shin, belched loudly, and then demanded, "Go get me a drink."

That did it.

"You know what, you're so ungrateful!" he snapped. "I work and work to save not only Zelda, but your stupid realm as well. Do I ever get any thanks? No."

"Uh, Link you know I was just—?"

"All I get is, Link do this, Link do that," he continued to rant. "No, oh thanks Link! Or maybe, I don't know, what would we ever do without you Link?"

"Link shut up for a minute!"

"What?" he snapped.

"Warp me!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Good I hope you do!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Suddenly Midna was swallowed up by Twilight fragments, with only enough time to pray to whoever would listen that she wouldn't be a wolf on the other side.

Something seemed different about this place. Something seemed… warmer… about this place. Midna cracked an eye open only to be blinded by the light. Where was she? Oh gods. Was she dead? She sat up and looked around worriedly. This place was way too bright and… fuzzy. Warm and fuzzy.

Oh no.

Was she still in Link's body? Was she a wolf again? What else could possibly be warm and fuzzy?

She looked around, but there was no one else around. She looked down at her body, surprised to see her body there where it should be. So it had worked, but where the Hylian had Link teleported them to?

_Knock, knock._

That's weird. It sounded like someone was knocking on a door or something.

_Bang, bang!  
><em>

Angrily knocking on a door or something.

Wait.

Wait just a minute.

What if this all was just a—?

Suddenly Midna lurched straight up, finding herself in a familiar place that wasn't filled with light. Actually, she was in her own room. Her own room, her own realm, and… she looked down at her hands to see her own body there—_her_ body, not the imp body.

Whoa that was a trippy dream.

That Link character was really, _really _weird. That whole world, though, was pretty off.

_Knock, knock._

Oh right, the door had awoke her. She slid out of bed and made her way to the door, opening it and smiling graciously. Life was good. She had just been crowned as the next ruler of the Twili. She had reliable, trustworthy friends. And most importantly she _didn't_ have any weird wolf-people as a traveling companion.

Yeah, life was great.

The door slid open.

"Oh, hi Zant. What's up?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Phew, don't worry Midna, it was all just a dream… for now. Thanks for reading!_

**A/N: **_To clear up some confusion: yes, it was all a bizzare dream. This story ends right as Zant pushes the events of _Twilight Princess _into motion. We all know what happens from here. _


End file.
